I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
