i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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