I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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