so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize