you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize