he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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