So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
