Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
