haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
