Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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