you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
