We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
