I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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