i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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