cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
