Will you blow on my dice?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Mom said you looked used
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
