brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
