Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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