even my farts smell like vagina
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
