I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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