you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
