don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
