My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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