Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
