it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
