I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
