Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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