I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
