she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize