My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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