So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
