I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
