Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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