Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
