considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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