If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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