also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We're too hungover to prance.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
