Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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