The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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