New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize