I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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