My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
