Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
