My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize