I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
