Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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