She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
