I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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