Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
