...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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