Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
