Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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