you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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