Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
