dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Drake has all the answers
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
